Journal
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January 12th, 2006 @ 5:00PM
Heylo! I've been away for while. I'm going to write some new songs and record them now my exams are over! So check out my old stuff and wait for my new cause I'm really loking forward to some feedback! I always reply back, if you drop me a note I'll come check out your work too!
User Comments
 WildasRapids
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Date: January 15, 2006 @ 10:59 PM
 Half is very very good....you had me sitting reading and I want more 
Prelude.....not sure....need more to decids as to whether or not i would keep reading
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 societiesworm
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Date: January 21, 2006 @ 10:59 PM
yes yes i definately agree with wildasrapids the first one is extremely written and kept me wanting more and i cant wait to read the rest as for the second one not really as eye-grabbing, it was ok but i mean the first one just was to good.
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 gurdonark
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Date: January 25, 2006 @ 9:38 PM
The first one features a concise, easy to read, yet intelligent
writing style. Here's some thoughts on specifics:
"The last of the flowers were being packed away by the time I got to the house". I like that you pick up with "White Roses arranged in the shape of a heart were pushed past me on the drive, purple and cream Lilacs, fresh Orchids opening and releasing their think fragrance on me as I passed them".
but here the "were pushed past me on the drive" might have ended with a period, not so much as a matter of grammar mavenism, but to give more effect to the flow of other flowers, especially the fragrant orchids. You might have considered including your reaction to the scent--are you merely a reporter, or a participant?
A long lying basket with a bright Amaryllis surrounded by greenery lay by the door, each of [its] petals expressing their strength and vigor by pushing themselves and curling outward, the colours looked like something out of a high priced magazine that could hardly contain themselves"
perhaps "the colours looked like something out of a high priced magazine, bursting, hardly contained, model-glossy".
each one with an article expressing the same apology from the sender, carrying a satisfaction of certainty. ["of predictability?]
The rain was falling, each drop [heavier] than the last. I was thinking too much, [weighed down].
It had been at least eight years since I had seen or even spoken to Paul or Emily, it made me wish, of all things, that I had come sooner. [2 sentences, perhaps rather than one]
Their house was splendid. A small slice of homeliness in an otherwise structured city. Surrounded by symmetrical, semi-detached houses arranged around a small park in the middle. Several years ago the area had been quoted to have “the fastest reduction in crime for years”, I think that originally pulled them towards this place, just what they had wanted. Good neighbours too, well, as good as they could expect, the area was new and they had money so they thought they should set up for the long run, ironic when I look back at that now, it was a family residence I suppose, it couldn't be described fairly any other way. Eight years. What do you become to one another after eight years. I didn't know what was appropriate, shake hands, hug, hands in pockets, I didn't know what gesture to offer, I didn't even really know what my intention was being there. [this is very effective and strong--lots of plot yet nothing seems too summary].
I stood at the door for a second and held my fist above the door, three sharp taps, I felt everything was too intrusive. [maybe lost the "I felt"--too passive, and we know by now we are getting it through your lens].
The door was answered by a face I hadn't seen for years, Natalie.
[perhaps a physical description here would help intro the rest of the paragraph--not "she was a blonde", but the lines on her face, her drawn look].
We had been close years ago and truthfully I was shocked to see her here now. She was the type of person you would expect to disappear from your life; when she was with you, she was only stalling time for a while in preparation for when she would meet people of her own stature, that is to say, she was wonderful, I had not such a thing as longing for her, I had a deep understanding with myself that some things should not be aimed for, so was happy to watch people like her glide through and above me. I offered her a wide eyed stare and a hand, then a movement to an embrace, then back again then a stutter, “Ah, hmm...”, she looked at me blankly, I'm sure she would have smiled in happier circumstances but now she could only offer a curious glance mixed with something deeply upsetting underneath a glazed indifference finally I cast out, “Hi.”
“Hello, come in, he's outside and won't come in. He'll be happy to see you.” I was not throughly convinced.
This is strong writing. I want to read the rest of this story.
My suggestions are all along the lines of mining the situation to give us more vivid feels and sights for it, to put us in your over-thinking narrator's place.
Second one:
I, too, think you can judge a person by their favorite song, and think that's a great first line. I love this frank self-assessment--this is a narrator I want to know. But it might be fun if the narrator is actually unreliable on this point, and turns out to be
totally reliable, scarily so, but over-modest.
These are quite good. Lots of possibilities here.
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